I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
