my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
