The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
