So drunk its hurt
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
