final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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