your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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