i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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