you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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