I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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