we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
