just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
