I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
