I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It was confusing and full of hummus
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
