I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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