we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I think i got beer on your cat.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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