He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
