My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
