he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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