He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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