Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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