I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
