whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
