could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
