i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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