someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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