Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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