apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
