i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
