Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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