david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
