She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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