I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
