im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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