someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
