got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
