I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
