mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
