Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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