She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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