She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
