i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
