Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
