i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just found puke in my bra..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
