You're completely useless in the revolution.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There r osticjed everywhere
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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