She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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