So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
