i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
