Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
