I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
