i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
