atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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