I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
