i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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