hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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