In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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