I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
