Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
