i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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