i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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